Journal of Reflections

"once upon a tale..." began the story teller.....

2009-11-22T12:16:44Z

a new chapter is beginning..
a new chapter, that i have endlessly been waiting for.

as of december 4th.
i leave the united states...
and begin my new life...

in australia.

a dream..
since i was 9 years old..
just a dream then,

16 years later..
and now, a reality.

i'll miss those that i have been close to..
those who i have befriended..
and in return, whom have befriended me.
my family..
it will be hard leaving them at the airport.
but i end one chapter..
to start a new one.

a new one..
with my beautiful fiance..

----
i consider my life thus far..
fortunate.
ever so rarely does a dream become a reality for most.

life isn't easy
there is no free lunch
great sacrifices will be made.
but ...
if you hold on,
just hold on...

and above all else,

. . . b r e a t h e . . .

ps...
i love this version of this song..

so comfortable

2009-07-21T18:39:28Z

why am i wrong when i know that i'm right?

nobody said it was easy; nobody said it would be this hard

2009-05-11T22:38:21Z

god grant me patience.

because i don't know if i can do this anymore.

"And take a little walk when the worst is to come
When I saw you looking like I never thought
And say you're at a loss or forgot that words can do more than harm"

my eyes can't look at you any other way

2009-03-10T09:38:41Z

i recently found this new band..
they aren't new.. but yea..

Band of Horses.

i'm memorized by the lead vocals
he has a soothing voice..

especially this song.. it's one of my favorites on this album.

even tho..
Chris Martin is still the sex vocals in my opinion.
(singer of coldplay)

you can download their album "Cease to Begin" here:
Band of Horses
it's on my server.. so no nasty viruses or anything like that.
just right click and save the files please ^.^

promote and share!!
it's a really nice band to promote!

i'm all there is . . .

2009-03-06T05:55:33Z

dewey: what did you get for valentines day?
me: nothing.
a silence.
dewey: what did you get for christmas?
me: nothing.
another silent pause.
dewey: that's not fair kristina. you give too much, and with nothing in return.

i told michael the other day that i wasn't happy.
and for the life of me..
i didn't know why at the time.
like an instinctual reaction.. you don't know the cause or effect until you let it happen and pass. then only.. and only then, when you have forgotten it completely.. when you stop dewelling on the now of the reason.. when other thoughts, ideas, appointments fill your mind. does your unconscienceness allow you to see what it was, your conscience mind was soo blind to see in the first place.
i told michael that i wasn't happy.. not because of our relationship, long distance as it is.
he is an honest, kind, out spoken man. of course we don't always agree about something.. but he doesn't push me to his way of thinking.
no.. it's not our relationship..
but the more it comes to me..
the more i see why i am so unhappy.
and the reason is..
because i feel soo under rated.. not misused.. but taken for granted.

i love him.. gods i love him..
but i feel soo under appreciated by him.

he tells me that he loves me.
and i know he does, i believe he does..

but what do i have to show for it?

not an email
not a letter
not a card.. some random card you can pick up for a dollar at any store, sent to my address with the words "i love you".
not a single comfort of understanding.
a word of encouragement saying "yes, you can do it, we can do it, and soon we will be together. i believe in you like i believe in us".
something physical that i can look back on and say "yes, see, here i have proof."
nothing recent at all..

all i have..
is a ring.. a promise made so long ago..
that i know it's true in my heart..
but sorrow drips through it.. slowly
and it is filling up..

i don't ask for the world..
i just ask that i be reminded that i'm still in it..
and some one cares enough to let me know that i still exist to them.

romona @ 2009-02-26T00:17:00

2009-02-26T08:21:17Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUoVrQ9S8LE

poison oak

2009-01-08T00:39:19Z

"It's difficult to remain neutral or indifferent in the presence of a positive thinker". - Dennis Waitley

a very close high school teacher wrote this on the white board one day. and left it up for quite a while.. months i believe.
when he erased it.. the pen mark was still visible. just barely staining the white board lightly.

to this day, i remember this quote clearly..
like the white board, it may be erased visibly, but the meaning is still there.

i try to influence this meaning everyday.
i try to be the positive one..
i embraced this meaning completely..
and now today..
i am more optimistic,
more positive.
i can plan in doing possibilities now, instead of viewing them from a far.

it takes just one person to make a difference in someone's life, without even trying.

now, in saying this..

here's the flip side,

people say that to stay positive, you must first look around you, and get rid of all the negativity in your life.
whether it be giving up close friends you may have had for years,
moving away from your circle of comfort,
changing your lifestyle,
changing your diet..
ect..

THIS IS NOT EASY
why?
because people are so afraid of change.
of the unknown.

a great person once said that in order to change or to make you, yourself, you environment.. your potential as a human being better, you must first accept your own death.

when you accept this.. i mean TRULY accept that there is nothing greater in your life than death, there is nothing there to stop you from reaching any potential.
then that's when you come to realize that ANYTHING is possible.
and that any negativity thrown at you from your peers MEANS NOTHING.

it's HUMAN NATURE to be jealous of someone else's success.
but jealousy leads to longing.
and it is in that longing that negativity is born and thrives on that emotion.

after thinking of it now..
in those terms.
i now know why my life partner is why he is.
why we get into fights, or arguments.

and he gets mad at me because i can't see it.
or rather i chose NOT to see it.

am i being ignorant?
or am i being a positive person?

am i a bitch because i can mentally remove myself from a situation, so to not feel the effect of the negative outcome?

or is my mind at that point put into "auto-pilot mode" and blocks out negativity?

because i am first to tell you.
negativity falls on deaf ears with me..

but when you scream it at me from the top of your lungs, or when you bang my forehead against it long enough.
it is THAT NEGATIVITY that fuels my anger.
it is that time, that i start hating myself..
i start hating myself for allowing my defenses to break, for allowing myself to be brought down to that level.

that is when i want to be alone, because once i am at that level, i AM a self loather.

but who's fault is it?

his?
or mine?

romona @ 2008-12-12T20:44:00

2008-12-13T04:46:23Z

sometimes music is the only emotional support you'll ever get...

shimmer

2008-12-11T00:20:49Z

it's odd..

now that i look back, and the people around me..
just how much michael has changed me.

examples..
my coworker's son is 24, in a relationship.. however he finds another one of my coworkers attractive, and she's also in a relationship of her own.
so instead of breaking up the relationships they are in to go out with eachother, they are seeing eachother on the side..

before.. i would have been ok with it.. accepted it..
but now.. i just feel kinda disgusted..
if you're not happy with your current relationship to the point where you want to see someone else.. then you should break up.
*shrugs*

i don't know..
now that michael is in my life.. i see love in a new perspective.
michael has shown me how precious it really is. how beautiful it is to love someone so much, that you can't see your existence without them. how everyday you can smile because you feel complete in your world.
that you can step up and beam with a brillience to know that you matter to someone..
that you are more then just and existance.

call me love struck,
but..
i see love as something beautiful and sacred now..
and i owe it all to him.

every so often.. he reveals a piece of my jigsaw puzzle that i was missing.
every so often..
when i think that i couldn't be more complete..
when i couldn't add anymore light in my world..
he brightens it..
and everything shimmers along the edges.

romona @ 2008-12-01T17:52:00

2008-12-02T01:54:59Z

ok..
you know what really gets on my nerves.

the people who love you, ENJOY the fact of reminding you almost every day that you may be losing your job.

god damn it!

i'm not ignorant,

i know the economy is shit

but god damn it!

keep your panic to yourself

they want me to lose my job..
and WHY!??!?!

easy

because they do not want me to move to australia.

GAH! >.<

i'm soo pissed off..
i'm shaking.

i'm staring out into that vacuum again, from the back porch of my mind

2008-09-18T10:39:32Z

like everything else that is too good for me.

it was a dream
a nice hope
but nothing more.

i can't keep pretending.

i'm tired of pretending.

i'm tired of making up excuses
lies.

all of it lies.

i can't rely on him.

and it hurts.

it scares me
it really does..

when i get there
i'm completely powerless
and i have to rely on him to take care of me..

and it scares me
because
so far..
i can't
there is nothing he has done to prove to me that i can rely on him.

"cause there's this switch that gets hit,
and it all stops making sense
and in the middle of drinks
maybe the fifth or the sixth
i'm completely alone at a table of friends
i feel nothing for them
i feel nothing
nothing"

romona @ 2008-08-02T04:48:00

2008-08-02T11:49:26Z

sometimes..

i'm sick of dealing with assholes.

romona @ 2008-07-30T20:30:00

2008-07-31T03:31:32Z

i have a headache.

VENTING AND RANTING.. DON'T FUCKING JUDGE ME

2008-07-15T09:36:10Z

GAH!!!!!!!

I HAVE A FIANCE WHO DONESN'T WANT TO SPEAK TO ME
WE HAVEN'T HAD A PROPER CONVERSAION IN OVER 2WKS.. HELL WE HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED IN OVER 2WKS.
A SIDE FROM THE OCCASIONAL "HEY" "I LOVE YOU" "I MISS YOU" CRAP

I HAVE FRIENDS WHO FANTASISE ABOUT ME WHILE THEY FUCKING JERK OFF
AND THE MERE FACT THAT THEY STILL CONCIEVE THAT THEY HAVE A FUCKING CHANCE ALL IN HELL TO BE WITH ME SICKENS ME.
THE ONLY REASON THEY ARE FRIENDS WITH ME ARE BECAUSE OF THE ABOVE FACTS AND FOR NO OTHER REASON BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA.

GAH!!!

NOW I KNOW WHY MY MOM IS LESBIAN
NOW I KNOW WHY SOME OF MY FRIENDS ARE LESBIAN

I'M SOO CONCEIVING INTO GIVING IN AND BECOMING ONE MYSELF

I'M JUST SOOO FUCKING FRUSTRATED AND FED UP.

GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >.<

THE WORSE PART ABOUT ALL OF THIS

IS THAT I FUCKING TOLORATE IT!!!
AND THAT SICKENS ME BEYOND ANYTHING.

romona @ 2008-07-14T00:19:00

2008-07-14T07:20:36Z

i don't want to do this anymore.

i feel..
as if..

sometimes..

he doesn't really care.

romona @ 2008-07-11T03:13:00

2008-07-11T10:28:29Z

The Knife - Still Light

The doctor came in the morning
She held my hand
And asked "was it worth it?"
"Could it be worse than this?"
Please recall
Give me a hint
Anything will do
If this was the last time now you should tell us what to do

I was afraid I guess
Now I can't think no more
I was so concentrated
On keeping things together
I've learned to focus on
I didn't want to disappoint
Now where is everybody
Is it still light outside?

Gir isn't eating.
i held him close.
and cried.

i told him that i was soo sorry.
he just laid in my arms
close to my chest.
he didn't more.

he's nothing but skin and bones.

my mom suggested i give him vicodin.
no pain.

but i'm not ready.
i'm not ready.

I feel like i'm losing everythings, everyone around me.

52 hrs
26 mins
30 secs

i'm so tired.
i can't sleep.

my lips are unusally soft; i can't stop

2008-07-09T03:12:43Z

42 hrs
19 mins
30 secs

since i last slept.

i can't sleep.

i look like crap

even make up can't cover everything

i tell people it's just allergies.

i force food down my throat
but i'm not hungry.

it's just routine.

people can't say anything if you act normal.

it's just routine.

all routine.

and the only person who cares.
is the one that shouldn't.
"I is concerned
You say your fine

But that’s like a junkee saying that they don’t have a problem"

30 secs last night.

and i wanted to scream.
i don't want to exist like this.

i hate being a fake.

romona @ 2008-07-07T19:59:00

2008-07-08T03:00:48Z

sometimes

i can even hide my depression from myself

but not today.

If you ask yourself, now patiently, and carefully

2008-07-03T05:15:09Z

i'm in an excellent mood.

perfect.

2008-06-26T00:58:23Z

Artist: MalvaAlcea

sometimes.. art describes you.
when you are lost for words to explain

wonderous

2008-06-06T00:57:18Z

for no reason at all..
i really LOVE this song at this moment in time.

not the lyrics.

but his voice.
the ambiance..
everything

just works..

The Knife - She's Having Baby
Right clicky - Save please. :)

romona @ 2008-05-29T20:54:00

2008-05-30T03:56:29Z

In Motion

beautiful.

like a twirling dance.. in a summers breeze.

2008-05-20T10:48:36Z

1 The words of the Teacher,* the son of David, king in Jerusalem.
2 Vanity of vanities, says the Teacher,*
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
3 What do people gain from all the toil
at which they toil under the sun?
4 A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains for ever.
5 The sun rises and the sun goes down,
and hurries to the place where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south,
and goes round to the north;
round and round goes the wind,
and on its circuits the wind returns.
7 All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where the streams flow,
there they continue to flow.
8 All things are wearisome;
more than one can express;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
or the ear filled with hearing.
9 What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there a thing of which it is said,
‘See, this is new’?
It has already been,
in the ages before us.
11 The people of long ago are not remembered,
nor will there be any remembrance
of people yet to come
by those who come after them.

- Ecclesiastes - The Bible

i'm not biblical. i'm not religious.
i think most religion is just a made up story, something to hold onto when we die.. so we feel like we are not alone. like a child to a mother's embrace.
i'm the last thing to a bible thumper.

but.
you can not look at this passage; poem.
and wonder.

i'm a creative writer to some extent.
but to have something written to fully capture you in it's beauty.
that.
that is something really wondrous.

romona @ 2008-04-28T20:44:00

2008-04-29T03:50:31Z

reality check.

my work quota.. is min 200 accts. a day.
what i do now.. is close businesses per correspondence from what the Taxpayer sends us.

200.

in one given month.
i close a min of 6200 business.
that's 74,400 businesses in a year.

you want proof of what is happening to our economy.
take that into effect.

it scares me to think how bad this country is getting.
it's as if everyone is happy to be strung out on painkillers, sitting infront of their TVs forgetting about the outside world.

i know i have problems, and issues.. everyone does.
but..
for people to be ok with whats going on in the world today.
disgusts me.
everyone complains.
yet no one is doing anything.

i like this country.
i like living here, my family and my friends are here.
but my god.
we have lost it to a apathetic sociaty.

for example. NONE of my friends vote.
and yet they complain about how things around them are ran.
it's like.. if you don't do anything.. how are things EVER going to change.

i feel for this country.
i really do.
it's run by nothing but fear and a fake mask of beauty.

it's corrupted by it's own need of greed.
it's eating itself alive.
and it's taking it's people with it.

the sad thing is.
the people. are willing to go along without a fight.
just a society of cattle.

my generation, and all generations after me disgust me.

so consumed about the latest trends.
so consumed about what's on "Reality TV".
take a good look around you.
YOU LIVE IN REALITY.
what you watch IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY.

i don't like watching tv.
i haven't sat down and watched tv in years.
i have maybe in 8 years watched in total about 12 hrs of tv. and that's the history channel, or the discovery channel.. things that i learn from. interesting facts.
i can't stand it.
the media is a joke, funded by the people who make society what it is today. it's either death, gore, fear, or beauty that's ever reported.
hardly ever the truth.

but you know what.
that's fine.
if you want to live in a world where your children are implanted with a gps tracking system so the government knows where you are at every moment of every day.
and it will happen.
i call it.
it may not be tomorrow.
but believe me.. it's because of the fact that society lives in fear. society WILL DEMAND that the GPS Chip will be a new form of anti-terrorist. or sure they will tell you, it's another form of security. of safety for your family.. hell.. why wouldn't you want to know where your child is when they are not at home.
oh.. wait.. did i just pull a form of bullshit reason of why you would ever consider this??

have the courage to take back YOUR CONSTITUTION. YOUR BILL OF RIGHTS.
THINK!
instead of just accepting.
i am just one voice. perhaps one voice out of a selected few.
maybe you do see things the way i do.

but the difference is.

i speak out.

i tell people what's on my mind when i have something to say.
i am not afraid to use my voice on matters.

why are you?

but whatever.
then fine.
do nothing.
don't vote.
don't write a letter to your govener
just sit there.
don't think for yourself.
and do nothing.

i'll take a deep deep breath... can i trust you? but i don't want to...

2008-03-24T11:51:33Z

03/23/2008
i don't want to do this anymore. we have to have a talk. so when ever you are ready.

...
when ever "I'M" ready..

i emailed him.. friday
he told me that he didn't want anything from me anymore.

i don't think HE's ready. *shrugs*

i'm not mad.
i'm not surprised
i'm not scared.

...

damn my easily forgiveness!

________
download song here right click save please